Emmett Kicks Ass
by FringeBangs
Summary: Tired of all the angsty/emo/douchey Edward Cullen characterizations? Well, this Team Khaki creation rebels against that and gives us all what we want to see: Emmett kicking Angstward's ass.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N - We not own Twilight, this is for fun, enjoy Emmett kicking ass.**

_Chapter 1 - I arrived in Forks and Emmett kicked my ass._

I'm a 17 year old douchebag and I'm in love. At least I'm in lust, since I'm a teenage mothercookie I can never make up my mind if it's love or lust.

My first day in Forks, Washington was strange to say the least. I arrived with my "father", Dr. Carlisle Cullen to much fanfare and many questions. He's not my real father; he just adopted me when I was a kid after my parents couldn't handle me anymore. I have issues. I can't sleep, I drink, I smoke, and I don't give a duck about what anyone thinks. People learned quickly to stay away.

I met some cool people my first day, Jasper Whitlock and Alice Brandon. Jasper doesn't seem to give a duck about anything, either, and he snuck me a flask filled with gin. Good man. Alice is his hot girlfriend who supplied me with some smokes. Good woman.

I met one other person my first day that might change my world forever – Bella Swan. She's cute and hot all in one. I had to sit next to her in biology because there were no other seats available, but I'm sure as cookie not complaining.

"You're Edward Cullen," she said, sticking her hand out to shake mine.

"The one and only," I replied with my half-smile that I use on the girls that I want to get freaky with and shook her hand.

"What brought you to Forks?" Bella asked, and even though I had heard that question a million times I didn't mind it when she asked.

"Dr. Cullen. He wanted to spend some time in a small town; he thought it would be good for me."

"Do you like it here so far?"

"Duck, no," I laughed at her silly question.

"Did you just say 'duck, no'?" She questioned, raising an eyebrow. _Cookie!_

"Um, yeah."

"Why?"

"I have issues. I physically can't say the f-word. It usually comes out as duck or cookie."

"That's… different," she said, sounding amused.

"Don't make fun of me!" I growled, my douchey nature making an appearance. "I just have my issues." I added, softer.

"We all do," Bella replied quietly. _I ducking love her_.

We walked out of biology near each other, not speaking anymore.

"Bella!" I heard a booming voice ask before a massive guy with dark curly hair came over to us.

"Emmett, this is Edward. Edward, this is my brother Emmett," Bella introduced, and I shook his hand. I hated meeting all these people. Bella having a brother seemed like it could be a complication.

"Nice to meet you, Ed!" Emmett greeted, and I cringed.

"It's Edward."

"Whatever you say, Eddie."

"It's Edward."

"I want to talk to you for a minute," He said, pulling me away from Bella.

"What the hell?" I asked, not sure what to think of him.

"Look, I don't want you talk to my sister, look at her or even think her name," Emmett ordered, shoving me against a locker when we were out of Bella's sight.

"I just met her-"

"Listen, Emoward, I don't like you. You need to lighten up, stop being such a douche, and stay the hell away from Bella or I will kick your ass." Emmett told me and proceeded to stuff me into a locker.

I was there for two hours and thought of nothing but Bella. I realized that as I long as I was in Forks Emmett was going to kick my ass – frequently.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N - We do not own Twilight. Ginny Gin wrote this chapter. I ducking love her.**

_Chapter 2 - I write fanfiction and Emmett kicked my ass_

I couldn't believe Emmett actually shoved me in a ducking locker. I mean, seriously, what kind of mothercookie actually does that?

Most seventeen year olds wouldn't even fit into a locker, but I'm emaciated, so I did. I'm scrawny because I don't eat, like ever. That's another one of my issues. That's probably why I have such dark circles under my eyes too.

I also cry at random, inappropriate times. It's just that sometimes, there's so much beauty in the world that I can't take it.

Last year I decided I needed a creative outlet and a way to help me express my emotions. That's when I started writing fan fiction for my favorite show ever, True Blood. I now have legions of loyal followers and fans.

I know there were books before it was a show, but it wasn't until I actually saw Sookie Stackhouse that I was drawn in and completely mesmerized by her.

The thing is, no matter how bad my day has been, when I sit down and write for my fic, every single time, that ducking Sookie makes my day.

That's actually exactly what I was thinking about in English class today.

Then I saw Bella.

She is really ducking hot. I'd like to hit that cookie at some point, but I have issues with talking to girls. So instead of talking to her, I went back to writing my fic. I was thinking about a Sookie/Bella slash fic and the idea was just so perfect that I started to cry a little.

I think Bella thought it was hot. She kept staring at me.

Either she thinks it was really hot or that it was really ducking weird.

I can't be sure of which.

Emmett is in our English class too. He's older than us, but he's really ducking dumb, so he keeps getting held back.

After class I decided I would try to talk to Bella. Emmett saw me walking up to her and jumped in like a ninja to block me. That ducker made me drop my notebook and spilled the pages of my latest Sookie fic all over the hall.

Emmett picked up a page and started to read it. I kept trying to get it back, but he pressed his palm against my forehead and held me out of reach. Then he wadded it up and dragged me to the bathroom.

He wanted to know why the cookie I was writing fanfiction and why Bella's name was in my story.

"Why the hell are you writing this crap? Why is Bella in it?" he asked.

Maybe he didn't really want to know the answer to that question, because before I could answer, he shoved my face in the toilet.

That was incredibly ducking disgusting.

Luckily, I'd practiced my resistance to oxygen deprivation when I used to go swimming at the hotel where I used to live. Oh yeah, I used to live in a hotel. It was just so much cooler than living in an actual home.

Eventually Emmett got bored with that and pulled my face back out of the toilet.

He asked me again why I wrote that story and why I was so into it.

"What's so great about it?" he asked.

"Sookkeehhhh!" I was all I was able to call out.

Then he kicked my ass.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N - We do not own Twilight. Thanks to all my EB's for their love and patience.**

_Chapter 3 - I laughed at Rosalie and Emmett kicked my ass._

_Cookie, she really is gorgeous_. I was staring at Bella, mesmerized by her shiny curls as our biology teacher was going on and on and on about something uninteresting. _Ducking biology._

I had tried to stay away from her, Emmett was on an ass kicking rampage lately, but it was like she was my own personal oppositely charged particle. _Oooh, that's good, I have to put that in my fic!_

As I started to write my new amazing idea down I cried a little.

"Bitch, what's wrong with you?" Jasper's low voice brought me from my thoughts. He and Alice sat at the table behind us which was rather convenient when I needed some booze or some smokes.

"What?"

"You're crying again," he didn't continue because Mr. Onion, our biology teacher was walking toward us.

"Did you hear anything I said, Eddie?" Mr. Onion asked, a look of annoyance ravaging his wrinkly face.

"My name is Edward."

"He's my partner for the project, Mr. Onion." Bella said sweetly and I wanted to duck her right there on the table.

"Fine," Mr. Onion grumbled and walked off. _Go cookie yourself_.

"Do you guys want to come over to my house after school to work on the project?" Bella asked the three of us.

"What's the project?" I questioned, my liquid topaz eyes focusing on Bella's rack.

"We have to build a model of the cell and its parts using household items," Alice explained, and I knew there was a reason I wasn't listening. I have ADHD, another one of my issues – _look at her shiny curls_!

"Sure, we're in," Jasper drawled and they all looked at me.

"Why not?"

I followed the directions Bella gave me to her house and parked my Volvo next to her decrepit red truck. Alice pulled up behind me with Jasper in her mothercookie yellow Porsche.

Emmett's Jeep was also in front of the house and I silently hoped he wouldn't be home. We knew Chief Swan was working, but Emmett was between sports. By the way, their dad is the chief of police in Forks – _that flower is beautiful_!

"Bitch, stop crying," Jasper ordered and he knocked on the door.

Bella let us in and we made our way to the kitchen table where she already had a duck-load of things to use for the project. Emmett was in the kitchen making some Italiano for his girlfriend Rosalie and was chopping something with a giant knife.

"We're going to be working on our project," Bella said and Emmett waved the knife at us in greeting. I couldn't be sure, but I think he was threatening me.

We had been working on the project and I was staring at Bella again for less than an hour when Rosalie Hale, Emmett's girlfriend showed up. She's a bitch.

"Who let Forks' most likely to fail at life in here when you're making me dinner?"

_Bitch._

"The same person who's going to beat your ass if you don't shut the hell up in my house," Bella said and I laughed. Emmett looked at me and I knew. _Duck_!

Emmett threw the knife in my direction and I actually ducked. It would have hit me in the head had I not.

"You threw a knife at my head," I said.

"And you ducked."

Jasper and Alice left after a while. Rosalie left after she and Emmett got their freak on (in another room thankfully).

Bella and I kept working and I accidentally touched her boob when I was reaching for some glue.

"Sorry," I mumbled, embarrassed and bright red. I really wasn't sorry, but I had to make her think I was.

"It's fine," she said, her voice all sexy – _wow our cell looks really good_! I left a little while later and Emmett was at my car.

"If you ever laugh at Rosalie again I will bury you," he told me and then he kicked my ass. I'm just glad he didn't know about the boob touching incident.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N - We do not own Twilight. Ginneeehhh's turn!**

_Chapter 4 - I watched Beautiful People and Emmett Kicked My Ass_

I started watching this totally awesome show today. It's called 'Beautiful People', which of course, makes me think of Bella. There's this guy in it named Nicky that sorta reminds me of Jasper Hale.

Weird.

Anyway, I was sitting in the cafeteria watching BP (which is what I will call Beautiful People from this point forward) on my iPod when Emmett came up.

"What the hell are you watching?" he demanded.

I quickly tried to change the screen to something more manly, but all that came up was an episode of 90210. I stood up, but Emmett was too quick for me. He shoved me back down and had my iPod in his hand in an instant. When he looked at it, he made this growling noise.

He must not like BP.

"If I ever see you watching this crap again, I will shove this iPod up your ass," he threatened.

I wondered briefly what that would feel like. Wow. So random.

Later that afternoon I was sitting out during gym class because I had a headache. That happens to me sometimes. I was trying to finish watching the episode of BP where Karen finds out the results from the modeling contest.

Then, suddenly a stray ball hit me in the face and I dropped my iPod. As it fell from my hand, and slid across the gym floor, it was like it happened in slow motion.

Ducking hell. This was not good.

As it smacked into Emmett's foot, I knew something bad was about to happen. He slowly bent down and picked it up, making that low grumble again.

Oh duck.

I gulped down and wondered if I could out run him. Then I remembered I was not athletic or fast, so that probably wasn't the best plan. Luckily, the bell rang and I was able to get away – or so I thought.

After class, he found me in the hall and grabbed me.

"Didn't I tell you what I would do if I caught you watching this crap again?" he shouted.

He grabbed me by the waist and spun me around. He pulled at my belt and shoved my face to the ground, my ass still in the air.

Duck. This was going to hurt. Plus, I was going to need a new iPod.

But then something happened.

There I was, bent over in front of Emmett, about to be violated in a way I'd never imagined. But then I saw the very vision of beauty. Even upside down, she was glorious. I suddenly didn't care that my ass was about to be home to a $300 piece of electronics.

"Hey asshole, what the hell are you doing?" Bella snapped at Emmett.

"This chump was warned. Stay out of it, B," he answered.

"Em, leave him alone or I'll tell dad," she said.

Damn. She was hot, _and_ she was now my hero.

Emmett released me and I fell to the ground. I stood up and adjusted my pants.

"What's going on here?" Bella asked.

"Check out what this douche was watching," Emmett replied.

_Duck him._

Bella looked over and as she saw the screen, a smile spread across her face.

"I love that show!" she exclaimed.

It was fate. There was no denying how perfect we were for each other. I smiled at her and she blushed.

Yeah, it was ducking cute too.

"We should watch it together sometime," I suggested.

"Yeah, that would be awesome," she agreed, smiling.

Emmett growled again.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Bella was hot. Second, there was a part of her, and I wasn't sure how dominant that part might be, that was hot for me. Third, Emmett was absolutely, unequivocally going to kick my ass. Again.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N - I apologize for the delay in this update. I was severely uninspired, but NYC changed that. IFLY GIN! Thanks to Scar, Pix, and Rei for helping me think I'm still somewhat funny. This is in Bella's POV, so something new for you EKA fans!  
**

**We do not own Twilight, that's all SM's.  
**

_Chapter 5 - I kissed Edward and Emmett kicked his ass_

"Are you okay?" I asked Edward after Emmett stormed off. My brother was such a douche.

"Um, yeah, I'm fine." He replied with a crooked smile that always seemed to give me a lady boner. Damn him and his sexy ways.

"Bella!" Alice called to be from down the hall, waving her arms frantically. Almost like a pixie. She was taking me shopping today because she apparently thinks I'm her life sized Barbie. She also seemed to know right when to vag block me.

"Oh, I have to go… do you want to come over tonight and watch BP?" I questioned, raising one eyebrow in an attempt to be sexy. I'm sure it worked. His eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. Yes, I'm one sexy bitch.

"You call it BP too?" He asked in almost a whisper. He ran a hand through his messy bronze hair and I seriously needed a bucket for… no reason.

"DAMMIT BELLA, CLOTHES DON'T TRY ON THEMSELVES. ESPECIALLY KHAKI ONES!"

I groaned and rolled my eyes, but waited for his answer.

"I would ducking love to come over to watch BP."

I smiled and hurried over to Alice.

"What's with that stupid grin?" She asked me, but I shook my head and looked back at the Greek God that was Edward Cullen.

We went to Port Angeles, I tried on lots of khaki to make Alice happy, and then I actually tried on what I wanted to – black hoodies. I went to Hot Topic and was in black hoodie heaven. Alice continually tapped her foot and sighed. I rolled my eyes. She was such a pain in the ass sometimes.

I noticed immediately when Alice sucked in a sharp breath and the foot tapping ceased. I raised one eyebrow and blinked 20 times in a matter of seconds. I turned to see what caused her to act like she had chipped a nail and then I saw him.

Jerkassface Newton.

I call him Jerkassface because I can't remember his real name. One drunken night we were at a pool party and I gave him a blow job underwater. I nearly drowned. I didn't care to remember his name after that, but every now and then I'd run into him and he'd ask me out.

I wasn't in the mood for his pansy ass right now.

"No and Hell no," I said, stalking away with Alice right on my heels.

"Hey, Bella-" he tried to say but I bent, punched him in the crotch, and kept walking. Edward was coming over tonight, I didn't have the time.

The car ride back to Forks was silent. Which was unheard of when Alice was involved, so I finally sighed and started the conversation.

"What?" I asked defensively.

"You punched Newton. In the crotch. And you ask me 'what?'?"

"Yep."

"Shit, Bella, what is up with you today?"

"Edward's coming over to watch BP." I stated simply, trying to shut her the hell up.

"BP? Is that the one that has the guy that looks like Jasper in it?" She asked in her melodious voice.

"Duck, yes." I replied blinking again rapidly, surprised that she didn't immediately tell me not to get involved with-

"You shouldn't get involved with Ed."

"It's Edward, and why not?"

"He's… dark, and emo, and emaciated, and-" She began, gripping the steering wheel of her yellow porche tighter.

"Gorgeous, artistic, likes the same shows I do." I shot back.

"Doesn't Emmett hate him?" Ah-ha, trying another angle are you pixie bitch?

"Who doesn't Emmett hate?" I raked my hands through my hair and contemplated cutting it into a Joan Jett style mullet briefly before I realized how stupid that would look.

"Good point, but, geez Bella, really?"

"Really." I stated firmly, and with that she seemed to give in to my stubbornness.

We got back to my place and Edward's Volvo was already there.

"Hi." I greeted dully because I can't really show excitement. Everything kind of seems to bore me and I'm very awkward.

"We didn't set a time," He said quietly, running a hand through his hair. I lost all train of thought and just did it. I just grabbed him and kissed him. He seemed surprised at first but returned the kiss with enthusiasm.

"THAT'S IT!" I heard Emmett yell before leaping off the porch, pushing Edward away from me and putting him into a headlock.

**One final note - I really do want to crotch punch Jerkassface. My EBs know who I'm talking about.**


End file.
